My outsides are cool, my insides are blue

gLee – I feel unpretty/ pretty Music Video

I wish I could tie you up in my shoes, make you feel unpretty too.

This is such a nice song. I remember this episode in gLee season 2, the one where Rachel was considering taking on plastic surgery to fix up her nose to look like Quinn’s. I can definitely relate to this song.. there’ve definitely been days where I feel very ‘unpretty’, especially when I’m working. I’m not one to look freaking hot in my uniform at the cafe or at the newsagency. I just look plain and simple. The self conscious feeling is unavoidable when hot looking people from the L’oreal building next door come by for coffee (=___=) Anyway.. I’m not complaining about how I look, I believe it’s more about how I feel about how I look. It needs an attitude adjustment. There’ll always be days where I look my best, and days where I’ll look my worst. It’s too bad I can’t look my best every day.

With that being said, I guess it won’t hurt if I put a little more effort into how I present myself (half the time I look like I just rolled out of bed at work – literally). Just a little food for thought.. I guess this song can relate to how I feel about myself, personality wise maybe, not necessarily on the surface. How I allow other people to make me feel… Mmm. For example, when people make me aware of my mistakes, or what’s wrong with me… that can make me feel pretty damn ‘unpretty’. Especially when it’s something I can’t undo or fix.

5 Days Till China Tour!

It feels pretty good to finally have time to just chill out on a Friday night, after such a long week at work. Every day it was the same wake up time, 7:15am, left the house by 7:30am, started work by 8:30am and if I’m lucky, I would finish at 3pm – but I had to finish at 5pm for 3 days this week. Farrrrrrrrrrrr out I couldn’t help but just go straight to my bed and rest for a while each time, usually napping till odd hours in the night! Anyway, I’m doing pretty well for the past two days, no hardcore napping, and instead, sleeping like a normal person at 12. That’s still late, but that’s better than sleeping at 2-3am, and then having minimal sleep for work! Just 3 more days of work till my trip with my family to China and Hong Kong! It’s still quite unbelievable that I’m even going on this trip on such short notice, but I sure hope it’ll be a good one I don’t get to travel with my parents much, exploring new places, and it’d be good to keep my little bro company. I can tell he’s happy that I’m joining them. So it’s all good!

But yes, 5 days till then, and I still have so much to do! I have to get my butt moving with looking for work placement, and finishing off my portfolio. So hopefully when I return from China, I’d have some positive responses and potential work placement to organise. I’ve completely given my portfolio a make over, and it’s more information heavy, so that’s why it’s taking me longer to get around finishing it! Mmm.. Is it silly that I feel nervous with looking for work placement? I’ve tried so many times, and been rejected by 99% of my attempts. I guess my faith is a little shaken, but I’ll have to get my head around that that’s just life, and I’ll eventually find one suitable place for me! Just gotta have some confidence in myself..

I’ve also gotta study for my Hazard and Perception Test.. gotta do some driving tomorrow, so I can say I’ve done some practice driving for my lesson on Sunday! I’ve grown to kinda like my teacher, but at times… she reminds me of my mum exactly and I can’t help but get a little annoyed (=_=) you know that nagging voice… yeah.. and that frown when you’ve done something wrong… yeh that too! Anyway.. *fingers crossed* I’d be well prepared for it when I return from my trip!

On another note.. It’s been a really long time since I’ve seen Aaron. Last time I saw him was.. over a month ago. It’d be another few more weeks till I can possibly see him, due to my trip.. but then we haven’t decided on a date yet – but we’re willing to see each other some time soon after my trip, and that makes me really happy. I miss my hunny bun. Long distance sucks, but that boy sure can make me smile after a long day at work.

And this is a photo of me wearing my ao dai that I have to wear for Thao and Loi’s Wedding morning ceremony – it’s so pink! rah rah rah! >.< Anna said that when we’re all wearing the same pink dress, we’re all gonna look like a bunch of hot pink tampons walking around LOL wth man!! Great image there!

and seriously… RAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I miss going out so much! I miss dressing up, looking pretty and going out to some place that’s not Chaddy, not the cafe and not just around my house! (I’m such a loser -_-) !! That’s why I’m pretty excited about seeing everyone again this Sunday for our Alcomohol Anonymous #4 Get together at Cat’s Thing is, I’m still not sure how I’ll be getting home.. but yeah.. seriously need to get my P’s asap, so this wouldn’t be such a dilemma! Sucks that I’ll be missing out on the sleeping over.. stupid work the next day! =_=;;

Anyway.. now I’m just rambling to myself! haha time to do other things

It's Not Fair At All

I don’t see how it’s fair that my family gets to dictate what I can do in my life. They’re the ones that all ganged up on me, as some sort of intervention against me going to Adelaide for work placement. Their reasoning was to say I wasn’t mature enough, I’d have no way in be financially okay without help, I’d be over worked by my work placement people, I’d be a nuisance to my auntie, I wouldn’t be able to take care of myself, I just have no common sense or good judgement on things like this. I hated hearing it, even if there’s some truth in what they said. It really tore me down and sliced up all the trust I had in them, and all the times I felt I could go and talk to them about this.

Now they got what they wanted. I’m staying in Melbourne and they expect me to be happy about it. I’m not saying I hate Melbourne or anything. I love living in Melbourne, but I also love living in Adelaide too. I don’t care if they believe it’s like I’m taking a step backwards for wanting to go to Adelaide. I don’t care if they thought the only reason why I want to go is because of a boy. I don’t care. I saw this opportunity, made it happen and I took it. You wouldn’t believe how excited I was when I found out that these kind hearted people were willing to take me on as a work placement student. As soon as I stepped into Digital Lamb, I felt comfortable and at ease. Both Steve and Bex were so open and friendly – I can’t imagine them over working me at all. I know I might sound naive in thinking that.. but they were very understanding about me having to turn down their offer. Steve even gave me a list of advice as to how I should handle my work placement in Melbourne, when I find one. It still makes me so sad that I had to miss this opportunity. I don’t think any one really truly realises just how much. I guess I don’t allow it to show it much, what’s the point in bringing it up if it’s not going to happen?

I knew I was probably taking on more than I can handle with this opportunity.. but for the first time in my life, I actually dreamed bigger than something that’s comfortable. That’s how I felt anyway. It was definitely something that was scary and exciting at the same time, and eventually will lead me to where I want to be in the future. I understand that my family was just looking out for me, and it worries them a lot to have their youngest sister so far away from home.. But how can they judge and worry about me when half the time they don’t even spend time with me or Quang in Melbourne? We’re the ones who are always stuck at home, while everyone else is out. I don’t see how how it’s fair at all. Half the time (more like never), I don’t even get to see Thao – the one who had a lot to say about my work placement in Adelaide. She’s probably the one who least of all understands me, the one who believes I live in my own world. I really hate it whenever she says that. And Jenny – she’s the one who says I could possibly be a victim of employers overworking me … well has she even taken note how she treats me at the cafe? I work there, and I’m always doing the best I can – sometimes I don’t even take breaks. She treats me like crap, gets me to do things so she won’t have to do them and talks down on me whenever I make a mistake. I don’t see her doing that to anyone else. She says I don’t take my job at the cafe as seriously as my job at the newsagency – but the fact is, I don’t think she takes her own manger job at the cafe as seriously as she can. Mum still does most of her errands for the cafe, while she herself is out and about with Ben. How is that fair at all? I’m so sick of living in this house where nobody cares where everyone is. Everyone just walks in and out as they please – but when suddenly someone wants to leave, they all retaliate.

I know I might have sounded all jumbled up in this rant of mine.. and maybe it doesn’t even make sense. I’m just so frustrated every time I think about continuing to live in this house. I know I’m lucky to have such a comfortable lifestyle.. perhaps this is just a bump in the road that I have to surpass to get a move on with my life..

Hellowww Wednesday!

First off, for the first time in a really long time (maybe since middle school?!) last night I went to sleep at around 8-9pm. That’s great I’m sleeping earlier! Especially since I’m working from 8am these days at the cafe. Downside was that I woke up automatically at 2:30am LOL All these nights with living on 5-6 hours of sleep certainly ain’t that easy to shake off! Weird too since I’m usually good at sleeping in till late afternoon! Anyway, work was alright today – I’m glad it was only half day! But I still missed out on the Zara Melbourne Opening! I guess it can wait till next time anyway I prefer checking it out when it’s less busy! As I got home, I went for a jog with Quang (trying to make it a routine thing every few times a week! Going well so far!) and that totally killed me.. so I napped.. and I didn’t realise that Kim and Cat were waiting outside my house on a stake out! LOL

These two girls, love them It was such a nice surprise to have them visit me out of nowhere!! Great to actually have time to catch up with them properly like we did last year! It’s sad that we’re just too busy this year but it’s great to randomly find time for each other Thanks girls, made my night <3

Also, Anna came in after and then showed me all of her purchases from Borders Chadstone! So sad it’s closing down I really loved chilling at borders and just checking out books, even if I rarely end up buying one! She gave me one of her cupcake key covers Cute huh!

Anyway it’s time for me to head off to quickly shower and bed time! Another two more full days and then it’s the weekend!! I’ve still got so much to do, but working like this really does drain my energy! >.<

Kaitlyn's R&B Get Together

Yesterday was KK’s 23rd birthday get together, and it was a first time in a long time since I’ve seen lots of my uni friends. It’s been nearly four years now since we’ve all known each other and it’s always so good to see everyone again and realise that so much as changed since day one our friendship began! Kaitlyn organised karaoke and dinner and it was pretty good fun!

We were all dressed up in either red or blue or both (like me) for the birthday theme. I donned a red cardigan, and a blue playsuit and tights. It was pretty chilly last night after karaoke finished, so it was lucky Freda and Pvan lent me their scarf and beanie to keep me warm! >.< Even though I did look pretty ridiculous… =_=; We had dinner along Lygon Street at a restaurant called: Stuzzichino and then we had some gelato at Gelatissimo, just further down! With the left over money from dinner, we all shared 5 scoops of ice cream between 6 people! Haha! We must have looked silly all gathered around a little table, and each holding our own spoon! Thanks to Cat I was able to arrived home safe and sound. Here are a couple of the photos that DanTay took!

Saving for Later

So since finishing my assignments and exams, I’ve been able to work and save up some money. Having some actual savings is something I’m not used to. This whole year has been a roller coaster with my savings – ever since I had to pay a major phone bill from my overseas trip last year. Being a student, I can only work so much and study at the same time to earn a big bundle of savings. Anyway, besides the point.

I went to Chaddy this afternoon by myself to just window shop – even though I had lots of things in mind that I wanted to buy. New hand bag, new wedges, new tights, new photo frames and a big birthday card for my friend. But being such a tight ass with money since the beginning of this year, I ended up walking away from every store with nothing! It’s a good thing right? I’m saving money, I’m deciding to think about it before actually buying it. Walk away, and come back later if I really want it. But at the same time, I felt silly, why can’t I buy anything? Why can’t I just splurge and don’t feel bad? I earned this money fair and square man! I guess I’ve developed a habit to think about things more before deciding my next step with shopping.

I also believe that I’m holding lots of reserved thinking for the things I want to buy because they’re all materialistic things. New bag? I’ve already got one that’s still good, even if it’s a little tatty and old looking. New wedges? I don’t even wear high heel schools that often. New tights? I’ve got enough at home. New photo frames? Why am I investing so much into making my room look pretty?!

I counteract all the reasons why I want to buy them with all the reasons why I don’t need them.

At the end of the day, I don’t need them as much as I think I do. They’re all wants. I’m pretty content with what I have already and I’d be more sad to lose them than to buy something else that I’ll regret.

Plus, I’m opting to save for the future, my bigger future. Bigger than this student allowance, much bigger than I can imagine now! Every cent counts, and I want to be proud of my efforts, even if I have to make little sacrifices along the way.

Mood Boards

For one of my subjects this semester was Introduction to Graphic Design – and our ongoing major assignment was to create a logo that represents ourselves. We had to go through the whole process for creating an identity logo – from thumbnails, to idea development and to the final use of the logo. To help kickstart our creativity in brainstorming visual ideas, we had to create mood boards for each topic we decided to focus on. It’s not like I haven’t done mood boards before, but this is the first time where I had to base a mood board on myself. And funnily enough, I actually enjoyed creating a mood board that suits me perfectly and sets my mood to how I want to feel. I created one that displayed my creativity, my side where I enjoy reading and my love for photography. Every one of them inspired me in one way or another. I couldn’t help but fall in love with the concept for creating myself mood boards to keep my thinking focus on where I want to be in the future and keep my thinking reasonable. So instead of spending my nights wasted with watching old TV shows, I actually took some time to create myself another mood board to help me along to changing into someone I can be proud of.

This is my result. It’s looking lovely on my desktop at the moment. It’s a collection of photographs and quotes that I’ve collected from my tumblr dashboard – and with that being said, I claim no ownership of any of images that I’ve used to create my mood board. They’re so beautiful and captured my heart that I couldn’t help but add it to my pile of inspirational thoughts. Thank you for that.

The next couple of months, I’ll be facing a lot of different challenges and this will hopefully help me along my way and keep myself moving forward no matter what.

Time for Change

I don’t know when it was that I have become like this. Where it is so hard for me to reach out to people when I need someone. There’s probably only a couple of people who I can trust in my whole life, and even with them I second guess if I’d be wasting their time or not with complaining. I don’t know where all this pride comes from, where I feel like I have to put up such a strong exterior all the time, and just go along with everyone’s wishes. I don’t even know where to start on how to fix this. I used to think I was the most positive person, but now I don’t know even know where I got that from. When did I ever become so cynical and pessimistic? Makes me sad thinking about it. I shouldn’t feel this lonely when there’s a whole world full of people just out of my door.

My 365 Book

This is my 365 book that Kim bought for me a couple of years ago for Christmas in 2009. I bought her a red one, and our mission was to fill it up with memories so we can share with each other once we finish! It’s been nearly a year and a half since then and this is what mine is looking like so far!

And yes.. 365 days have come and gone, and I still haven’t finished, but it’s getting there. At the moment I’ve reached to day 199! Still another 166 more days to go! I haven’t updated it since months ago but this bulkiness is really getting to me! It’s so fat I can’t even bothered trying to keep it open while I update it (-_-) it’s silly really. I don’t think kikki.K really thought about how much space memories can take up in a book over one year! I guess that’s partially my fault too since I love to stick in photos, old tickets and what not in my book whenever I can. I actually can’t wait for it to be completed! It’ll definitely be a memento that I can show my future children one day Hehe, a little far off in the future but it’s a nice thought. This is just proof that my life wasn’t all that boring as I make it out to be!

Back to Good Old Blogging!

It’s been so long since I’ve actually blogged properly. I used to be very faithful to my xanga accounts but that was over 2 years ago. I guess I felt like no one was really reading it, so there was no point. But whatever, it was a pretty healthy habit for me to just write down my feelings and keep a record of what’s been happening currently in my life. I’ve always liked looking back on past entries and reminisce. A lot of things have changed now but then some things sure haven’t. I still haven’t got my driver’s license, but hopefully that will change in a couple of months. I’ve finally finished my studies for my Bachelor of Multimedia Systems! Now all I’ve got to do to graduate is to complete 6 months on work placement! Sounds easy, but it’s hard finding somewhere that’s good and welcome. Well anyway, here’s to my new blog! May I stick to it faithfully for a long time!

Love, from Julie xox

This is where I display my alter ego.

It scares me sometimes that I think that I'm not going anywhere.

Stop hiding behind that broken smile, and give me a real smile. You've got plenty to be happy about, to be grateful for, to be thankful for. Plenty. So much that it's funny you can forget it all because of one stupid heart breaking moment.

There's too much hate and low self-esteem here.

I actually took a step back and revisited the previous entries for my blogspot and noticed that instead of being a design blog, this has become a place where I allow myself to vent, like a normal human being. There's too much of all that crap, and me complaining. I feel like a selfish person. I make as if everyday is a struggle, and that I don't ever ever experience happy days. I'm pretty much saying FML without having to actually saying (which btw, I HATE that acronym) Anyway, having being reminded that there are still very geniune good people in this world, and that I have the power to make my everydays beautiful - I'll be holding my chin up higher from now on, not to be a snob, but to actually breathe in the beauty that life can behold, like the beautiful clouds that I can't seem to stop photographing.

Where's the love?

It's right here, I've just gotta look closer.

For Simon Kouk

It makes me happy that I can still call Simon my friend. Even after all that we've been through last year, no matter how short it was, it was still pretty awesome. Thanks for not giving up on me and still valuing me as a good friend. I don't know if you will ever read this, I doubt it, but this is a from the heart gratitude buddy. Thankyou.

I f*cking make mistakes, just like everyone else. I don't need to hear it from you what I already know.

I think what I really need is a friend to know what I'm feeling just by looking at me, without having to ask me at all. To know that right now I'm going through hell and I hate being alone. That I have no motivation to be happy, to accept things and to fight for my pride. To know that I'm feeling low in self-esteem and that they're not the only one who has problems to battle with.

This is effed up.

I'm in the process of losing someone who's been nothing but someone who loves me for who I am, and I've got to stop that. I've never shown so much rage to someone, and still have them tell me that they still love me at the end of it all. I don't want to lose him. It makes me want to cry just thinking about him walking away. And by then, I'd finally have the independence that I longed for, but honestly can not withstand without him.

BE THE F*CKING CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD, JULIE.

Don't blame others, blame yourself for becoming what you've become.

We were all born beautiful.
It's sometimes the things we do that make us ugly.

How I've been feeling about myself lately is ugly. I can't seem to find the limit to all this negativity. What the hell is happening to me? ... Clearly I'm focusing too much on the bad things, and all the things that I can't have, as much as I desire them. What about the hopes for happier days? The positivity that has got me through so much in the past? I don't want to believe it's been crushed too much at this point that it's beyond repair. I don't want to believe that. If I had given up, I wouldn't even be caring at this point. But that fact is, I still do care, and it was that little voice inside of me that tells me to keep trying. Keep trying with your uni work, keep trying with Danny, keep trying with everything that you've gotta do. Just keep trying, don't give up.

I want to believe that I'm going somewhere, but with my actions lately, I don't feel like that at all. I'm going to change that. I've gotta change that.

Rant it out, let it go

Why am I making this hard on myself when I have so many reasons to be happy?

I can't explain the reasons why I've been feeling a lot of hate lately, a lot of jealousy, envy and moody ways. Where's the love? Why do I feel more lonely than I should? I branch out, but immediately snap back into place, not wanting anyone to know they've made me sad or that I need them to be normal around me. Awkwardness has taken place in too many of my everyday situations, and I hate it. I allow this to happen, but so did they. They're not trying, so why should I? I don't need people like that, but I can't hide the fact that they still have an effect on me. Damn them, damn me.

Keep moving forward.

Don't be scared to try again.

and most importantly, don't be scared to actually try.

All this talk about direction and achieving this and that after graduating uni is scaring the crap out of me, and I can't seem to pinpoint what scares me more. Maybe not having enough time? Not having the potential to achieve it all? Not having the stamina and confidence to withstand everything? Freaking heck. Stop scaring me. Because I'm feeling unstable and uncomfortable hearing about your futures, and I alone don't even know what I want to do.

NTS: JUST DO YOUR FREAKING BEST JULIE.